I have a fan!

At least someone looks forward to visiting my page-

I think at some point this thing almost becomes a chore. It's almost like I hold on to my aggression so long that it becomes comfortable- and not blog-worthy anymore. I'll do my best. I posted a new comic- Big took me to Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville for m'b-day and it was lovely. The "cute in a cap" comment wasn't quite so ..uh.. blatant. And when I say I look *insert positive word here* in *anything* I'm usually being sarcastic. The "I'd look cute in a baseball cap" thing come from the fact that I recently cut off all of my hair and the only possible way I can "fix" it is to spike it. Therefore, I look like Yugi Moto. Which would probably be hot if I were a prepubescent boy.

But..uh.. I'm not.

Of course, I didn't expect Big to agree- completely without sarcasm -that yes, I do look cute in a baseball cap. Why is this so damn monumental? Big's the kind of guy that you'd have to have his balls in a vice grip to get any kind of complement out of- because that would imply closeness. Or comfort. He's not big on that. Big's not big on that. HA!

Even when we were actually dating, living together, etc, I had to fish for complements. And I HATE doing that, but every once in a while a gal, especially a self conscious psychotic gal, needs to hear a good word now and then.

The ex-fiance told me, on our first date, that "I am easy on the eyes." Geez, no wonder I moved in with that guy after three months.

But here's the thing. It CANNOT be overdone. I think that's something that turned me off to the E-F. He was...overloading me with a bunch of stuff that I, as a self conscious psychotic, refused to believe. He always had a nice thing to say about me, even after I broke his heart.

Twice.

I'm beginning to think this is horrible karma. Someday, I'll sit and write a nice long post about E-F, but the long and the short of it is that when I reached my lowest point, I reestablished contact with him, and drunken on his words and promises of love, broke up with Big and tried to give him another chance, only it was too late. His damage had been done, and I no longer felt that sweet first love with him anymore. I felt no trust, ... I barely felt lust.

I broke it off with him, using my school/work/crazy hectic life as an excuse. (Well, in part, it is an excuse, I don't have room for a long distance needy relationship... but if I loved him as I once did- I would have made room.)

So Big refuses a relationship with me, other than the occasional dinner and even more occasional lay, using his school/work/crazy hectic life as an excuse.

Oh yeah. Karma's a bitch.