Dear D~

*This is a letter I sent to a good friend, and aparently, it tapped me out. When I came to do a blog entry, I was dry. I hope she doesn't mind :)*
I have a dude that's been replying to some of my posts.. I gotta tell you..it's a little wierd posting to my blog now that I KNOW people are reading it- before, the only one I knew of was my ex (and first lay, at that!) John. He's linked on the site, as well as his wife, and as I've mentioned, I'm absolutely obsessed with their perfect freaking lives. They're madly in love, and John is the only guy I ever dated who actually had a fetish for big women. Those guys are few and far between-- a lot of men will say "ooh, better cushion for the pushin!" but when it comes down to it, they'd pick Kate Moss over me.

Fuck 'em. I've just got more to love.

I've lost a few more pounds, getting closer to my goal of "under 200 somewhere." I know this sounds sick, but Big really is my inspiration for sticking to my guns this time.

Because I know he's one of the afore mentioned guys.

He'd never come out and say it, but I know.

I once asked him to describe his ideal woman, (because I'm a glutton for punishment) and the only thing that she and I have in common are little nerd glasses. He's a sucker for glasses. The sad part is that I can conciously look at my behavior and say "that's sick." If one of my friends came to me and said, "If I can lose 30 more pounds, I know he'd love me!"

I'd belittle them (in my most loving way), and reassure them that it wasn't so. But every time I put in that Denise Austin Pilates tape, I think about how he'll smile at me and say "Wow, you look great! I can really see that you've lost weight!"

Like it would actually happen. Even if he did notice, Big's not the most complimenting guy in the world (as you may have noticed from my last comic, where the mere mention from him that I could be "cute" in any situation sent me into cardiac shock- and melted into a little puddle of goo.) And so there's this fear that I'd lose weight, grow my hair out, keep the nerd glasses, and grow about 6 inches... and he still wouldn't notice me.

God, how pathetic.

Sometimes, though, I feel like my fears aren't unfounded. Big is a really caring person... and he shows it to all of his friends.

Except me. Well, I take that back- he shows me in a different way. Last november, I helped him buy a fridge for his dorm room and to show his gratitude, he bought me a gameboy game. When my great-grandmother died (uhm..november of 2003, i believe) he gave me the cute pouty face that I love so much and said "i'm sowwy..." of course at the time, I was so concentrated on holding up my family, I suppose I didn't have a chance to show how hurt I really was- thus he didn't feel as though he needed to do anything to "boost" my spirits.

When a co-worker's mother died (You know this story) he asked me to go pick up flowers for her. He personally delivered them to her home when he got off work. And then they made sweet love on the carpet while her boyfriend was passed out on the couch.

Ok that last part didn't happen- but in my mind... that's another story.

He thinks it's funny .. how jealous I get. Once a coworker from Community Care and I went to pick up coffee for everyone at work and he was outside talking to a girl (I don't know who it was- it could have been your daughter for all I know!). I went in, did my business, and tried to leave without interrupting their conversation. It wasn't hard- he didn't even say hi to me when I came in. I thanked him for the coffee and we got back into my car. I was trying to supress my rage when he shouted "Why don't you wave goodbye, Kayla!?" in his most sarcastic tone. Laughing at me. The girl was laughing too.

(By the way, I'm sorry if that was your daughter.... the whole episode just...well, hurt my feelings.)

I very nearly put the car into drive instead of reverse.

But he has a jealous streak too. He always got really mad when I'd give Seth(obnoxious brat formerly from Church St Seth) hugs and stuff. I think that ... god, one of the happiest points in our relationship (when we really WERE dating) was his reaction to Steven trying to "hook up" with me and Carla (not really hook up- but flirt...seriously flirt). He got really quiet, and his face got all red.

"Are you jealous!??!? Oh honey!" I run to his lap and give him a big hug. "I love you!!!!!"

Sick, eh?
I guess his showing a reaction to anything resembling a threat sent me over the edge.

Logically- I know it's best that we not "get involved" right now. I'm busy, he's busy. My house is a mess and I can't seem to put aside any distractions to get it clean. The cable guy is supposed to be here in less than an hour and I have probably 5 or 6 garbage bags stacked up in the kitchen that I desperately need to take out. I have issues, you know?

But I can't stop thinking about how comfortable I am with him. How much fun we have together, how nice it was to, while half asleep, elbow him to get him to start breathing again (he has sleep apnea)...the good times were great, and the bad times could have been better if I could have recognized HIS way of showing me how he cared. Not only recognized, but appreciated.

But...deep down, I wanted flowers, too.

Sigh.
Like Tom Hanks said in Castaway.

Tomorrow the sun will rise.