Dear Big's Really Cool Sister:

Well...uhm.. in a nutshell, as you already know- I was crazy mad in love with him, we'd dated "officially" and I broke up with him after some reasonably understandable hormonal problems (which were dealt with...anyway)

The real situation is that I was dying to get him back, but he always said that he wasn't "ready" for another real commited relationship.

Which I can totally understand. Fool me once, right?

Basically what I can tell you from the past year is that I would ask him if he were interested in anyone else, if he were even remotely considering being with someone else- to tell me. Not for my snooping reasons, mind you, but I had it deeply ingrained that if I really really KNEW that he'd moved on, then I'd be able to move on too. (As I've had other opportunities to see other people, there was always that twinge in my head that I would be screwing up whatever I had with Bob...) And in fact, the ONLY thing I've EVER asked of him was to devulge that information so that I could, hopefully, move on.

While we weren't "official", he lived with me, slept in my bed, and I took care of him in most things financial. He would be very sweet and loving, giving me kisses, snuggles, hugs and whatnots (and this is UP UNTIL the last day I really saw him) and created this adorable nickname "Poobie" for me (which he consistantly said was just a notch below "real girlfriend") So I had to find out that "Poobie" is, in the silly-naive-desperate-girl-language, actually "Sugar Momma" or some such.

I had a feeling that things weren't going right- as most women tend to have those feelings when he refused to assist in the moving process. I and my two best friends packed three loads onto the U-Haul, ourselves and he was nowhere to be found. (Taking a "whiz quiz" for a job that he didnt' accept, I believe)

That night, we were going to clean out the old apartment so I could turn in my key. We went to Walmart to pick up supplies, and I took him to Taco Bell for dinner. While driving to the old apartment, he says that he's tired and if it would be ok if he went back home to bed.

I'm a fricking pushover, so I say ok.

I dropped him off at about 10:30 or 11:00 pm. When I left, he was laying on my bed text messaging "someone". ((Which he later admitted to be her)) and when I got home at about 8 or 9 am, he was still laying in bed text messaging "someone". (Whether actual sleep took place there, I'm not entirely sure...)

He went to visit you guys on Thursday and was gone for three days with no contact whatsoever. EVEN THEN I wasn't going crazy thinking of "someone else." I was going crazy because I had a housefull of unopened boxes, quite a bit of such was his, and he hadn't helped with a damn thing in this moving expedition outside of packing his own clothes and an x-box! So, I'm getting peeved.

I call, and notice that his phone no longer rings 4-7 times and goes to voice mail (like it does when he hits the "silence" button) but it goes straight to voice mail.

I leave several messages.

It gets later on Sunday...

And later...I realize I have no other way of getting in contact with him.

I start getting worried. Please keep in mind that the last time he dissapeared like this, he was in fricking JAIL in Clarksville and I had to track him down and bail him out! Yeah, I worried about him!

So, I start throwing his e-mail address around on some search engines and up pops myspace... where he's talking about being "in a relationship" and he'll drop his gaming anytime to talk to "his girl"

I'm a little hurt.

Namely because I frickin' KNOW he ain't talkin' about me!

How did I find him?

Well, since I had been paying his cell phone bill for the past few months, I had access to his online verizon account.

I figured one of the numbers listed had to be a friend who knew where he was, or his mother. Or something!

Honestly, I just wanted to know he was still alive.

You know what hurt the most?

That even when I asked him who she was, he still tried to deny her existance.

Horseshit.

I just feel like I deserved a little integrity. Believe me, I've put up with a lot and no matter WHAT he may believe, this would have turned out 100% differently if he'd just been honest with me about her, or hell, about anyone he'd had his eye on.

He said he'd known for a while that he didn't feel "that way" about me anymore when we spoke last. So why did he keep me hanging on? Why wouldn't he just let me find someone else without feeling guilty? These aren't questions I expect you to answer, these are the questions I wanted him to answer.

But for him to do so, would mean that he'd have to admit that he's been using me for room and board for..um.. quite a while now.

But anyway--- I'm over it. Hell, I even got some! Some that was good! Mighty good!

As above, so below...