I can't say it any better than this...

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what--at last--I have found.

Bertrand Russell

He said "let's go," I said "hell, no..."

Being the bigger person, extending the hand of friendship. I admire it, I really do.

But you know how I am. I can't be friends with an ex, and especially an ex who tore my heart out and wiped his ass with it.

I'm glad you found your stuff. And I'm glad that you no longer think that I'm trying to turn your family against you.

And I'm glad you're happy. I hope the two of you remain that way for a long time. And having once being where she is now, I can tell you, she will greatly appreciate my turning you down.

As above, so below.

~Me

Who nurses the nurse?

I'm sick.

I've finally resigned to admitting this- instead of "oh, it's just a cough..."

I feel like hell.

And I further feel like... well, I don't know. I guess I'm happy. I'm crazy in love with this guy who was frickin' custom made for me...

I have a good job. Decent GPA...
I'm tired. But other than that.

I was right. I do lose my edge when I'm "happy" in a relationship. Most of my best "bits" come from bitching about significant others. And the rest of my bits come from bitching about things that normally wouldn't frustrate me if I were in a "happy" relationship. So I talk about... happy things. I look on the bright side, and I have a better eye for things that I have no control over, and thus am able to purge the need to bitch. Quite so much.

While in the CNA class, I was constantly ... well, not really "upbeat," just... more positive than the others. I accepted that we were only allowed to miss one day of class. I accepted that we were only paid $5.25 an hour to do what we did. These are all things that we were aware of when we started the class, and while everyone else would piss and moan about the pay, or the work, or the fact that they could only miss one day, I would chime in with, "well, we knew it was going to be like this when we signed up for the class..." Matter of fact-ly. Not being a smartass. Really.

One girl actually said, "You know, you're attitude pisses me off."

She was this tall, overly intimidating black girl. She probably could have kicked my ass. Hell, she probably would have kicked my ass if I hadn't just kept my mouth shut for the rest of the class sessions.

I have the feeling that my present state of euphoria is somewhat disconcerting to my present coworkers. I'm positive. I'm accepting. I talk about Richard. A lot. But I really try not to... I just can't help it.

So I'm happy. Happy like Julie Andrews spinnin' 'round on a mountain top like a mental patient happy.

Argh. I don't know... I miss him, I crave him. I was singing "Never Tear Us Apart" for all of my patients last night. Some liked it more than others, I think.

Here I go again...

I've reached this point where "now" is wasting time until I can see him again.

How in the hell did this happen. I mean... last week, I was in my car, blasting the ultimate single-and-loving-it-song "99 Problems (But a bitch ain't one)"... singing at the top of my lungs, enjoying my freedom to spend my money on what-the-fuck I want to spend it on.

Resigning my fate to actually be alone for a while.

Making the best of it.

And as he put it...

Richard fell into my lap.

Even though he'd kinda been in my lap for a long time, but I guess I was too caught up in my own bullshit to give him a second look.

But I guess he was caught up in his own bullshit, too.


I would sit at my computer, in my bedroom and rant and blog about the good times and bad times with Big, while the man I've been asking for all along sat at his computer, in his bedroom, not even a 2 minute walk from my door and boosted my ego to the point that I absolutely had to continue with this thing.

You're the man, baby.