Big's Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary.

So, yesterday was Big's birthday. And for about three months now, he'd had a hair up his ass to go to a strip club for his 23rd birthday because he'd never ever ever ever been to one. Now, because I'm the coolest person ever, I volunteered to take him and be his DD. Before hand, I surprised him with tickets to see

PS- Henry and Auggie were great.
Bob Zany sucked SO MUCH ASS.

So after the big affair, we strolled on to Anthony's Showplace...

So- even though I'm working on years of anti-strip club hostility and the fact that our primary purpose for coming here was to get Big a lap dance, I think the fact that I only threw up once is a frickin' sign of progress. (No, I didn't throw up in public, I politely excused myself, exited to the nearest restroom and prayed to the porcelain god) When I exited, a stripper approached me.
"Are you *****?" She asks and smiles.
"Yes..." I answer cautiously.
She extends her hand.
"I need you to follow me..."

I begin to see the little dots that appear when you've lost a lot of blood, or are dehydrated and are about to faint.

"No..no, that's ok.." I say.
She nods.
"No, really, it's been paid for!" She smiles again.
I glare at Big who is innocently watching the girl on stage. At that moment, I want his head to explode. No, no, I want him to suffer. I want him to be hung from his toes, permitted several drops of water per day to keep him alive while he is torchered from head to toe in varying non-sexual ways. Then I want him to die.

I point at him.
"Take him- it's his birthday. But thanks anyway."

Big notices my return to the table, shoots a puzzled look, and turns while my propositioner takes his hand and leads him away.

Let me explain something about this situation. Big knew I was uncomfortable. I was doing the best I could handing him dollar bills and saying "ooh, she's cute! tip her!" But I was still uncomfortable. My stomach was churning and obviously, I wasn't in the best of stages to be jolted further.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING!?!??!!!!!??!

Now, second of all, the "girl" that he chose looked to be in her late 30's, early 40's, with kinda saggy boobs and huge lovehandles. I'm not saying that she wasn't attractive, but she was definitely the least attractive one there.

When he got back, he leaned in and whispered, "that one kind of sucked..."

Ok, so I'm supposed to feel better that you tried to buy me a shitty lapdance?

I didn't say that. At least not until the ride home.
And now, a "for those who don't know" moment.
I love Big. I am so fucking crazy in love with Big or else I wouldn't have volunteered to do this with him in the first place. BUT... actually being there, and actually seeing all of these beautiful women flirt and rub their tits on his head (yes, I'm very aware it's all a game, faked, and paid for, blah blah) ... it was traumatic. So, Big got three lapdances that night, one from this tall hot blond, one from the ..uh.. reject, and one from this adorable brunette with long hair and glasses. (If he had picked her, I probably would have gone for it. Dammit.)

Around 12:30, I decided that I was going to have to start breathing out of a paper sack if I stayed for another second, so I finished my last cigarette and pretended to be shocked and disappointed to be out. I handed Big some singles and said:
"Here, go tip"
I waited a couple of minutes and walked behind him.
"Hey, I'm going to get some more smokes, stay put."
I walked outside to my car, unsure if I'd make it all the way. When I finally reached it, I sat in the driver's seat and pulled the back of the chair back as far as it would go. I stared at the ceiling of my car trying to figure out exactly what I was thinking. What bothered me more, the geriatric stripper... the fact that he though at lapdance was what I needed...the visuals of him being groped by these hot chicks, or the fact that when he got back from the adorable brunette, he leaned over and whispered, "oh, you are so getting some tonight..."

Around 1:00, he appeared outside my car and said he was ready to go. He asked if we could stop by the bowling alley near Antioch to "say hi" to a couple of people. I am but a willing slave. I do feel the need to emphasize this- at this point, I have had oh, about 2 hours of sleep since Thursday at about 5 pm. It's one in the morning, and I have class at 9 am. So, when we get there, they were about 20 minutes from closing, I'm exhausted, I feel like my eyeballs are going to turn to ash and drift away, so Big's all "So everybody, we goin' to IHOP after this?"

Jesus fricking Christ.

So, Big asked if I was going to stay in the car and take a nap while he visited with his friends at IHOP. I said "Probably..." but then I thought... what am I afraid of? I used to do this with the ex-fiance all the time, not want to hang out with his friends- even the harmless male friends. So, when we got there, I actually went in, hung out, laughed, and polished off an entire pot of coffee and about 30 creamers all by myself. Big kept thanking me for taking him, thanking me for the lapdances, thanking me for the Zanies show, apologizing for my being upset. I finally said "you don't have to keep thanking me and saying you're sorry...it's not your fault, I'm just trying to work some things out now..."

Around 4 am, we return to Murfreesboro and I ask if he wants to stay over. I know it will end up in sex, even though I vowed I wouldn't give him any. At this point, though, I really just needed someone to lay in bed and maybe throw an arm or leg over me as a reminder that he's there. It was nice.

Anyway, so that's my night. I just hope my new medical insurance will cover the therapy required to unburn those images from my mind. In the meantime, did somebody say Jack Daniel's Lynchburg Lemonade?

I want candy!

So, I finally fixed some W2 problems and I should be having my money bin built tomorrow. Yay! Well, actually, I'm thinking of buying a laptop. My issue here is that I have such a problem spending large amounts of money on a single thing. I know I want one, I probably need one, but ... I don't know. I bought a laptop off of EBay, but it sucked. It really didn't suck THAT bad- but I just felt bad for spending several hundred dollars on a frickin' laptop. Something trivial, you know.

I'm rambling. I haven't heard from Aiden in two days. I sent him an email reminding him that three days is the limit, and after that, I start writing him off as dead. Why else wouldn't he call me? Riiiiiiiiiight.

I have to lose 20 more pounds or I'll never be pretty!

So, Both of our work schedules suck, but at least I have a steady schedule. He never knows when they'll call him in, but it's most likely going to happen when I make plans to see him. Life is grand. This is Aiden I'm talking about by the way.

Dammit.

Crappy Valentine's Day.

No update today. I don't think anyone, with the exception of a couple of my patients, have even wished me a Happy Valentine's Day today. With that in mind, I wish all of you well with this article from the Onion


Enjoy!

Latest Bin Ladin Videotape Wishes America
'A Crappy Valentine's Day'

WASHINGTON, DC—A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant all Americans a "crappy Valentine's Day."

"This Feb. 14th on the Western infidels' calendar, may all Americans receive no valentines from their beloved ones," bin Laden said. "May the homemade construction-paper mailboxes taped to the desks of the American schoolchildren remain empty, as well. May whomever you ask to 'bee yours' tell you to 'buzz off.'"

Bin Laden called for "romantic humiliation for all Americans of courting and betrothal age."

"Allah willing, embarrassment and tearful rejection shall rule this day," bin Laden said. "Paper hearts shall be rent and trod upon, and dreams of love delivered stillborn. Body language shall be misinterpreted, crushes unrequited, and sincere expressions of affection mocked. Invitations to dinner will be rejected, just as Americans have rejected Allah, the one true God."

During a speech before the Oklahoma Cattlemen's Association, President Bush condemned the al-Qaeda leader's remarks.

"[Bin Laden's] sinister call for romantic disappointment on Valentine's Day is yet another demonstration of the ruthless hatred this evil individual harbors for the American way of life," Bush said. "He directs rage at even our youngest and most innocent citizens, asking God to quash children's joy by making them receive, and I quote, 'only unwanted valentines bearing the laughable likenesses of out-of-favor pop-culture icons from the recent past, such as the Backstreet Boys and the creatures from Monsters, Inc.'"

"Bin Laden's depravity knows no bounds," Bush added.

According to state officials, bin Laden demonstrated an uncanny knowledge of Valentine's Day customs, in spite of the fact that the holiday is not celebrated in the Arab world. In addition to his allusions to classroom valentines, bin Laden cited heart-shaped candies, valentine personal ads in free alternative weeklies, and foot massages.

"In this infamous February, may all American hearts be crushed like a box of conversation hearts that is tossed carelessly into the bottom of a fellow student's schoolbag," bin Laden said. "We soldiers of Allah pledge with our blood and souls that all pink and red carnations shall wither and drop from their stalks before they make their way to the desks of America's secretaries. Instead of receiving hugs and kisses, they and their extended families shall be besieged with boos and hisses."

Bin Laden added: "May your special Valentine's Day dinner be spent at an overrated restaurant that impoverishes your purse and leaves your stomach churning with indigestible Western cuisine."

Bin Laden did not overlook the innocuous custom of giving stuffed animals as gifts.

"The teddy bear that holds the 'I love you' heart does not love you at all," Bin Laden said. "It is an unliving, unholy thing filled only with stuffing. Just as the Western infidel is not bestowed with the blessings of Allah, so shall he go unloved by the false bear."

The release of the bin Laden tape is consistent with the al-Qaeda leader's inclination to speak out before major American events, such as the 2004 U.S. presidential election.

"Perhaps whoever told bin Laden about Valentine's Day exaggerated its significance," departing Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said. "Or, I don't know, maybe he was just itching to release another tape."

The Department of Homeland Security did not raise the terror advisory, recommending that Americans proceed with their Valentine's Day plans. This is in spite of the final words of bin Laden's address.

"Come Monday, as you pry open your fancy, red Russell Stover box, take heed," bin Laden said. "For in the place of tasty caramels and buttercreams, you will find the flaming sword of righteous jihad!"

I'm a natural brunette.

It feels weird to be a brunette. I don't think I've had hair that wasn't blue, pink, blonde, red, or some other unnatural shade for oh, say 10 years or so. At least now you can't see my roots growing back. Ohhyeah.

Yeah, I spoke to Aiden today on the phone. I can be impatient, and I didn't want to be a drag at work tonight wondering if I should still pursue or what the hell ever.

He says yes, he's willing to try and get over his "things" with women. Yes, he's willing to try that with me. Gravy.

Don't have too much else to say right now, I guess I'm trying to sort out everything. Oh, if you live in the Murfreesboro area and are in the market for two adorable cats who would make a kickin' General Tso's "chicken", let me know.

Fuckin' cats.

This is why I have little voodoo dolls of my ex's.

So, even though he should have taken the hint and not even looked for my blog, my ex-boyfriend John, who was previously mentioned as the graduated-married-so-happy-he-could-shit kinda guy who makes me feel like a dribbling retarded loser, has stumbled upon my blog and was kind enough to leave a wise ass comment about the "type" who leave comments on my page.

Will the judgment ever end?

Anyway, I FINALLY heard from Aiden- and I quote

"Well, since I've almost certainly ruined any chance I had with you, ill just say it, I am a dick. Period. No excuses. I am a COCK. I should have called you, even though my schedule was fucked up, I still should have called you. I got the message that you called on Tuesday Night on Wednesday night, and then I worked Thursday and Friday night. It is not an excuse. I am an asshole for not calling you. And for that I am sorry.

You will delete this if you are smart and never speak to me again. I think I have something wrong with me, cause what guy in his mid 30's wouldn't call a girl who's barely legal. Obviously, I have some emotional issues that I did not realize I had, because the whole things just makes me nervous, and not in a good way. I think I have some major skeletons to tackle when it comes to me and women.
I don't know what else to say, except I am truly sorry."

So... what the fuck does that mean? I make him nervous in a bad way? Ok, he felt the need to unburden his soul to me, but he still doesn't want to be with me? WTF!?

He went a full week without contacting me whatsoever-out of the blue I get this e-mail. I had already written him off as AWOL, so what is this letter supposed to mean? I did write him back- I just said that I guess it's better we know this now than later, and if he can stifle his vomit enough to see me again, I'd like my Onion book back.

Dammit.