I feel stupid and contagious...

I am sick. Not just in the way you may be thinking from reading my previous posts, but really really sick. The flu is HUGE in Tennessee right now, and I've been trying my best to avoid it like the fricking plague. (Duh.) But here it is, at least the infant version. I'm stuffy, sore, coughing, but still able to function miserably.

Yesterday, as predicted, dinner and a movie with Big turned out to be dinner and sex with Big...

Jesus.

I didn't want to, to be honest. At work Wednesday, we were making jokes about giving up sex for Lent. I'm not Catholic (obviously), but I actually thought about it. What if I gave up sex for an undisclosed amount of time (couple of months, say?) just to get my priorities straight and give myself some me time. So through my weak, unenthusiastic protests, I succumbed. But of course, I have to tell myself that it doesn't mean anything and we only use each other for a good time and the occasional nice meal and a drink. But I do still love him, even if ... well, you know, I've been downgraded back to "fuck buddy."

God, never fall in love with those. It sucks.

In other news, I got my first big fat paycheck from my new job today. It's oh, a little less than twice as much as what I'd make for doing the exact same thing at my previous job only the benefits are better. There's something about the words "juicy government contract" that just make me wet. So monitarily, I'm cool. For now. I was never in too much of a rut, to be honest. I'd have to bum the occasional pack of smokes now and then, but other than that, I'm gravy. Having all of this extra money is really going to help me get the Kia paid off and, god willing, I'd like to buy a house before I turn 30. Because that would be frickin' cool.

There's this thing at work, though. It's a military/government type building, so I'm always unsure about language. A lot of the people I take care of seem to like me, they like the spunky kid me, you know. But my co-workers--not so sure. I said "jesus!" today (because that's what I do- it's an expression of surprise or dismay) and a bunch of people just looked at me like I had screamed "hey jesus, fuck you!" while thrusting a crucifix into my crotch. It's just an expression, people, I don't mean anything personal against the Son, ok? If it is offensive, it's because ignorant people MAKE it offensive. Dammit.

Since when should the word "Jesus" have a negative connotation?

This house is clean...

I erased Aiden's phone number from my cell phone.

I'm not the type to remember phone numbers, so he's pretty much gone forever. I'll stop pathetically calling him every 3.53 hours and he'll never call me, and if for some reason (like he needs cash or something- fucking men.) he calls me, I won't answer because if I don't know the number, I don't answer.

Going out to eat/movie at KUC with Big tonight. I know it's wrong, but apparently, I don't want to be right. I got him two Valentine's day cards- one really for his birthday. Both of them insinuating that I love him dearly, and both of them insinuating greatly that I enjoy sexual escapades. With him.

I'm loving this rabbit thing, though. I think if enough women knew about the rabbit, men would become eradicated altogether. And life would be super.

Alton Brown really is my true love.

Ok, so I did good today. I think the last time I tried to call was today at around 11 am. I'm not calling anymore. When I reach a point where I begin asking myself what I did wrong- it's time to walk away. If he can't handle me, his fucking loss.

I was willing to look past his horrific teeth, too. I actually found them charming. Silly me. There is only one man on whom I can depend.
Alton Brown. He's smart, funny, and has a vast amount of knowledge about really trivial pop culture things. He's fricking awesome. And he's there for me every weeknight at 6 pm.

And a few other times in between.

I'm sure his wife would be thrilled to hear this.

They're all married and/or gay.

This sucks.

By the way- Alton promotes this awesome site called The Gallery of Regrettable Food. It's hillarious and features old timey cookbook images that look like something the dog threw up. It's frickin' awesome.

Tyler Florence is hot too.

These are a dead woman's treats!

Ok, so now I'm back at square one, wondering exactly what I did- how many hearts did I break in a past life to deserve this. It's been maybe three days since I've heard from Aiden. I mean ANYTHING- e-mails, calls... nothin.

I hate to sound like I'm preaching from the book, but seriously. If a guy likes someone, I mean REALLY likes them and at least has a minimal amount of desire to be in a relationship with her (or him!) then won't he at least make SOME kind of contact effort? I know- things get crazy and hectic- I KNOW THIS. I have a crazy and hectic life, too. I work full time AND I am a full time student- but I still have enough time to leave yet another message on his machine- "Hey, just wondering what you're doing... guess I'll talk to you later... bye." Instead of wasting my time and his valuable answering machine message time- why doesn't he just come out and say that he's not fucking interested!? Why am I supposed to just "assume" things? The last time he pulled this- here he comes, calling, sorry, yeah, it's been busy... blah blah. I can appreciate this, but the last time I thought he was frickin' dead. (Armed security job, blah blah) I think it's too early in whatever-we-have-right-now for me to assume and put faith in him. This sucks.

A lot.

((By the way- please note that today is Tuesday- conceivably the only day in a week wherre we can plan time together. When we have no-call/no-shows at work- we fire them. Bastard.))