Unsent

God. I just don't know anymore. My whole cynical system has failed me and I'm actually starting to believe in the existance of "the One" again.

Like when Big flies to Paris to "rescue" Carrie. He puts his jacket around her, looks deep into her eyes and says, "Carrie, you're the one."

I can cry just thinking that "the One" might not be fiction after all.

The only downfall to this revelation is that my writing skills quickly begin to deteriorate when I start to gain "hope."

Goddess help us all.

Ow, my most of me!

I'm staring at my cell phone. A couple of hours ago, I read something that touched me so deeply, I have become absolutely speechless.

And sex wasn't even involved. Amazing.

I want to call Richard. I want to call him and tell him ...

what do I want to tell him? What could I tell him that wouldn't make me sound like some yippity pup, nipping at his heels and begging for his affection-slash-attention? Why do I suddenly feel the need to be "adult" instead of being "honest"?

That I haven't felt this way ... um... ever. That while I understand that when a person begins falling for someone new, it's going to feel different, but I never expected to be falling so hard, or so fast. And it scares me. Mostly because I'm afraid I'll scare him away.

And then there's the idea that what I'm feeling is just my need to be with someone that I can believe really understands me.

But why "just"... isn't that what everyone wants?

That I don't want to over-psychoanalyze what I'm feeling until it turns into nothing. That I don't believe in coincidences... and the fact that the two of us were trapped figuratively in the same boat, and literally in the same shitty apartment complex for the past several months?

That when we talk on the phone, I have that *almost* uncontrollable urge to close with that little three-word phrase that makes most men's innards freeze up solid? I'm not joking, this goes even for the very first time I spoke to him. It sounds silly, right? I didn't really know him then, and I guess by most standards, I still don't REALLY know him...

But why do I feel like I do?

Why do I feel so close to this man whom I up until recently referred to as "the fan"...

At least he has good taste in writers.

If I were a religious woman, I would say that he's the answer to my prayers.

But I'm a blogger, so he's the answer to my blog-pleas for a real man.

I thought to myself earlier... that I don't want to get hurt again.

But more importantly, I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to frighten, intimidate, or pursue where not welcome.

I guess I'm the frightened and intimidated one.

Hey, You...

I changed my mind. I do want to put up something sort of personal. I can't describe it. I haven't felt this genuinely excited about being "involved" with someone for a long time. Yeah, I get excited about random sexual encounters, but there's something very sweet about you. You're funny, kind, and a total smartass, and oh, so talented. I don't ever remember feeling as secure as I do with your arms around me.

Ok. I know. It sounds corny. And maybe you'll think I'm a kid with a crush, but apparently, I'm willing to take that risk.

The truth is, that I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since IHOP. There's something very special there, and not like "short-bus" special, I mean, special to me.

Here's hoping I don't do something to fuck it up.

~Me

The funniest frickin' thing I've ever seen.

Coffee? Tea? Me?

So, I'm going to have to take a break from the stuff that's none of your business for a while. I think maybe I'm running out of things to talk about on dates.

I don't make apologies for who I am. I am blunt, harsh, and can be very crude. But I'm also soft, sweet, and overly motherly to those I think are deserving. Sometimes, I make incorrect judgments, but I always do what is right in my heart. And right now, my heart is telling me that maybe my personal life should be kept under wraps for a while, and maybe, just maybe my scholastic and vocational exploits may be enough to keep my blog alive.

For the time being.

Back By Popular Demand- Sex!

Yeah, so I probably screwed up something with great potential by sleeping with this awesome guy that I met. He's 34, has two kids, divorced, the whole deal- and he's a little revert back to my original "ideal" type. Tall and pudgy.

Snuggles.

Of course, the sex was amazing. Props, props...

But now there's this certain degree of awkwardness... I can't explain it. It's almost like, this is a guy that I could see myself having a "real" relationship with, and all I could think when I left his house was "well, thanks for the lay. Have a good night."

I didn't say that. I was so exausted when I left that I'm pretty sure that I missed his lips on the goodnight kiss. And I don't remember driving home.

Which is almost as good as blacking out, right?


I hereby dub thee: Loki.

I'm going out with Richard on Tuesday- it should be interesting considering he's been reading my blog forever and knows a lot of my most deep and intimate secrets. Craziness. Sherri believes that I should enjoy my youth and not try so hard to get tacked down into another relationship, but I'm not. Not really. I like being in a relationship- I like "being" with someone. I just feel like I wouldn't mind going back to one if I could say with some certainty that it wouldn't be like my last two disasters.

Ugh.

I just don't like all of the BS that one needs to wade through in order to GET to the serious relationship.

But since it seems like I'm not going to have a choice...