I'm never hearing from him again.

The following is a pathetic last ditch effort to contact Aiden. He was offline at the time and the messages were sent via Yahoo messenger. I am truly pathetic.

sadako: Aiden, shame on me for having some sentiments of faith that you were actually willing to try to have something with me (even if were only sex or something WHICH by the way, I am perfectly fine with.) when I should have just listened to my initial instincts when they were screaming at me that you are just not fricking interested. Maybe I came on too strong- maybe this maybe that... the point is that I can't change who I am, and no matter how much you want to blame what I'm saying on that stupid book- you're an intelligent guy, and you know-- common sense denotes that attention equals favor. That's just how I feel.

sadako: If there is even a shred of interest still there, I want you to act upon it. Do I expect love notes and sonnets every day? Nope. But a quick "hey, I'm acknowledging that you're alive" email every once in a while would be nice. If I don't hear from you again, it's cool. I understand. I just wanted to give it one more shot before ... well...

sadako: bye, then.

Movin' on up...

Ok, so I think I've decided that I want to move. Not that I haven't enjoyed living in a matchbox, but I think it's time for me to get some space. And an apartment with washer and dryer connections, because frankly, I'm getting tired of those late night runs to the laundromat. Because that sucks.

The one part of my job that I loathe above all others is feeding. I can handle wiping ass, cleaning vomit, anything under that description, but it's feeding people who cannot feed themselves. It tears me up. There's this one guy who is mostly blind, and he'll stab at the air and quickly shove his spoon in his mouth, chew, and swallow. It's pitiful. I don't have the heart for that, but for some reason, I get stuck in the dining room every morning for breakfast. Blah.

At my previous employer, the night shift didn't have meals. The day shift had breakfast and lunch and evenings had dinner. We passed ice and wiped ass. It was a good life. But I'm making so much more money here, I suppose I shouldn't complain.

I have biiiiiig plans this weekend, the most daunting being the remodling of my bathroom. I hope to replace the hideous wallpaper, prime and paint the walls, and scrub the shower with SOS pads and bleach. If I don't get a buzz from this whole affair, I'm going to be very upset.

Samantha thought she knew someone who could take the cats- her neighbor, whose dog was killed yesterday when he met the business end of a ...well, a car or truck or something. She said she'd try to get a hold of them today so she can let me know, but apparently, they're taking this "dog mourning day" and aren't leaving the house or answering the phone. The kids even got to stay home from school! Craziness.

SO- I might have to wait until later this weekend. S'all good.

I'm going to have the Aqua Teens "rock" me to sleep tonight.

Cherio.

Sunshine on my goddamn shoulders!

So, I get pulled aside from my charge nurse last night and he thanks me for coming to night shift- he gave me a little pep talk about being AWOL sunday that ended with a huge pelvic thrust and an exclamation of "fuck em!"

I love this guy.

I get somewhat mixed signals, sometimes. He worked with my mother (who still works there) years and years ago, and I think there's this "weird" thing with working with the daughter of a co-worker you remember fondly from the past.

Something like that. I got a little praise for my essay in English 1010 today, so I'm kind of floating about that. See, that's all I need- approval from men. Who needs years of therapy to determine that?

Now I just have to worry about Bio and Health. Which suck. I skipped last week's classes on both counts, and I'm starting to worry about that. When others tell me they're worried about something, I always tell them- tomorrow the sun will rise, and life will move on. I promise, you will survive this.

But I have such a huge problem living by that myself, you know? I had a breakdown on the phone with Big yesterday, about how stressed I am, and the job, and the classes, and he was so sweet and understanding about these non-I'm-in-love-with-you issues... it didn't help my interpersonal situation at all.

I called Aiden today and left him the following message:

"This is just a reminder, Aiden. I don't bite unless you ask me to."

I don't think I'll hear from him again. It has been uhhhh.... several days. I'm not mad at him, he's just frustrating. He says he wants to try and work out some of his chick issues and..hey- I'm a chick, and I'm willing to hold his hand and walk him through some of this, the most important thing being that if you're interested in a girl you're supposed to fucking act like it!

Fucking men.

PS- I'm horrible and taking my cats to a shelter this weekend. At least someone there will remember to feed them!!! Again- anyone in the Murfreesboro area want to take in two adorable cats...They're fixed and have all of the shots and stuff..PLUS- I'm throwin' in a free Littermaid!!! For Christ's sake!

Heresy.

I feel like shit. I feel like I screwed things up at my job (they changed the schedule and didn't notify me, so I was awol Sunday night.) I've skipped two different classes this week, and I'm either trying to get sick, or trying to convince myself that I'm sick in order to justify all of this delinquent behavior. This sucks. Haven't heard from Aiden in...fuck, I don't even know anymore. And the more I think about it, the more it's probably for the best because I am so fucking in love with Big that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm back to stage one with him. Where I can't stop thinking about him and I constantly want to see him and talk to him, like in the days when we first started dating. I screwed that up. Damn post partum hormones. Anyway.. that's it. Sorry there hasn't been any real updates.

Not like anyone reads this.